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I'm thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there's this thing called Google now. --- MrFornicator

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So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra. --- Desi

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Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test. The question was,"What steps would you take in case of a fire?! "Big f*cking ones" was the wrong answer. --- Desi

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In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China. --- BawseLady

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THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I’m out of beer. --- chopper4jk

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I wish I could write '' I Miss You '' on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you. --- Yara1st4

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I want to make it really special for my husband on Valentine's day, so I'm gonna tie him up... & then watch whatever I want on TV. --- MicheleG

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"Don't tell anyone" = "Tell 10 people you trust" right? --- ChelseaVPeretti

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