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Trying to get picked up from school early.

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(610): Your like google... you have everything im searching for

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(313): I have a toddler crush on you

(248): a toddler crush?

(313): Yeah its like 3 years old

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Uncle: I don't appreciate you calling me an idiot in front of the family

Me: huh???

Uncle: U know what I am talking about

Me: I didn't call you an idiot...you dumbass

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(613): I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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(405): Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(989): Note to self: Make sure that your underwear isn't inside out when you agree to play strip pong...

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