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I'm not saying I'm out of shape but I just stretched, got winded and need to lie down

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I used to think gas was expensive. Then I realized I'm buying liquid exploding dinosaurs.

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My mom doesn't understand hitting "space" multiple times adds a period to the end of every.single.word. Also, she doesn't understand that sedating your boyfriend so she can watch Ryan Gosling instead of his "kill shows" aka: "Cops", is illegal in most states.

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Got accused of being a smart ass.

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1% of life remaining? Challenge accep

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I'm not scared of rehab. 90 days in sweatpants, drinking coffee and talking about me all day sounds fantastic.

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When I told my BFF about my new hair cut.

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Toilet paper is a perfect example of how "you don't know what you got 'til it's gone."

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